My mother recently sent me two diaries I kept when I was 16 - 17. (She swears she didn't read them first, which is total bullshit.)
I spent two rapturous hours reading every word and learned some things like: old thought patterns start young and I chugged way more of that Jesus Kool-aid than my conscious mind allowed me to remember.
What follows are curated selections from 1999 and 2000 documenting my first date at christian bible camp in Pennsylvania, my subsequent first breakup two weeks later because he had weird thin lips and I was grossed out by the idea of kissing him, my first disappointments in male behavior and then subsequent thirst for said males' approval, my first swearing off dating and love, my agony over being the quiet kid, my first kiss, my first body shaming, mono and my gradual declining interest in God.
July 13, 1999, 9:43 p.m.
Okay, I hope none ever reads this. Today I found out that Charles likes me and he found out that I like him. I can't believe this is happening because nothing like this ever happened to me before and I am so happy yet very nervous right now. I keep thinking he's not gonna like me. I can't downgrade myself like that though. If he doesn't that's his loss.
Well, tonight he asked me out and we're doing something tomorrow. I am so nervous right now. Cori's upset though because he told her that the only reason he talked to her was so he could talk to me and get closer to me, and that he's kinda shy. That's good! She's also upset about her father and her family and I can't even begin to comprehend how she must feel. She was crying in the kitchen tonight. Well, tomorrow is THE day. Lord help it to go well.
August 1, 1999, 11:03 p.m.
Right now I'm anxious and excited at the same time, and also a little sad. I have to break up with Charles tomorrow night! I can't put it off anymore! I really don't have the guts to though! Oh help! I want to definitely do it by this weekend. I am glad I talked to Eric + Jen about it today though. Oh man. I'm so nervous. And tonight he bought me a Beenie Baby! I'm gonna cry. Lord help me out with this one! I'm excited about this weekend though.
... I don't know, I think after I break it off w/ Charles I might want to stay single for a while! Wow, that's weird that I just wrote that, but I think it'll help me to focus on God better and other stuff I have to do like prepare for school. Ughhhhh! Anyways, it's getting late and tomorrows another "Big Day."
Weekend - 2nd to last
Sat. - We woke up early and got ready. Then me, Cori and Jon B got in Charles's car w/ Charles driving and headed off to Dorney. The whole way there I was upset because I wanted to "do it" so bad. ... Then we got lockers at the water park. Then Cori and Brian went off and me and Charles went off (Dread, Dread) We walked kind of in silence and then I just sat down and said I needed to talk to him. I couldn't get it out at first. ... I felt so bad because he told me how much he likes me and da da da ... Well I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now and about the distance thing and he asked me if I wanted to break up and I said yeah. But he said he still didn't quite get why (Duh, Duh) .. he told me how great and beautiful he thought I was and I felt even worse, but I finally told him how I don't think I like him as much as he likes me and that wouldn't be fair to him. I'm so happy I said the truth. God really answered my prayers w/ this one! ... Later I was walking back to my cabin but not w/ out seeing Mel + Steve kiss :( She isn't even his girlfriend which I think is really wrong.
Weekend - 2nd to last
This morning me and Cori and Ashley did our last Arctic Blast. 5 minutes! My skin was so cold it turned red! Then Charles said he wanted to talk to me. ... He told me all about how he still likes me he said there must be something he did to make me not like him. He thought it was something he did and I felt so bad. Even when I told him it wasn't he wouldn't believe me and he kept asking me. And at some point he even asked if we could just start over again! I didn't know what to say!
Oh, yeah, and Charles told Josh that I like him and his response was ... I'd never go out with her because she's so quiet and Charles went out with me and he doesn't want to make Charles jealous because he's friends w/him. He also added that the only reason he'd go out with me was for my looks. That was a major blow to my self-esteem.
Well during free time me and Charles talked again. He told me how everyone is saying he's "whipped" ( I HATE that word) and obsessed with me. Well, first of all, I told him that I didn't really like him all that much pretty much the whole time we were going out which is the absolute truth. He didn't take it that badly.
Today I saw myself in a bathing suit and the sight was not a pretty one, let me just say. My stomach is so disgusting looking. So I feel I have to do something. I know I have been eating way too much and too many sweets. This isn't good for me or pleasing to God. I will now formulate a weight loss plan that I will force myself to stick to. --------->
Tae Bo - 2x a week
Situps - 50 each morn. (5 days a week) or (crunch things - 25 each side)
- In school only water
- No Candy in school
- No deserts after meals
- overall, choose healthy stuff over crap
Lord help me to stick with this plan.
Well, I kinda realized how dumb I've been lately looking to other people for acceptance or approval. I gotta be my own person, not caring what anyone else says or thinks of me. That's freedom I think. You can SAY what you want, DO what you want, BE WHAT YOU WANT. I've also gotta stop being so quite cause I know that's not WHO I AM. I wanna have people SEE ME AS I REALLY AM. I know I'm a GREAT PERSON cause GOD DOESN'T MAKE JUNK. I also have to STOP BEING INFLUENCED by people so much. Well, I'm happy I REALIZED THIS. I think I found true love! Oh wait ... IT'S JUST GAS. I should get back on track W/ GUYS SUCK!
Wow. I can't believe Wed. I can't believe he kissed me. (even if it was only a quick one) When he put his arms around me I thought I'd pass out. Aye! I'm bein' REAL pathetic. Well, I'm glad he finally wrote me after 3 days. I hope I can hang out w/ him again cause I want him to ask me out and I want another one of those. (I know, corny) I've gotta not base my whole vacation and "hopes" on him. I'm scared of getting hurt I guess. I've had such a great summer so far, but it sucks I might have strep throat! Ahhh I HATE being sick. Other than my throat I feel fine though.
I'm mad I don't really talk to Charles anymore. He never writes me back when I E-mail him either. I really liked him as a friend. ... Man, I don't know what that kiss meant either. This is so stinkin' complicated. But it's kinda fun at the same time. I just don't wanna let this guy change me or influence me. That would be really bad. I've just gotta be careful. He seems like a pretty nice/cool guy though. He has a slight hint of arrogance and ego-ness but I don't know know him well enough to tell. Nee-ways, it's gettin' late and I need some sleep. Nighty-night!
I ate too many marshmallows I feel sick. The girls from the Mic-Mac cabin are so cute. I kinda actually had fun w/ them. I love the hairdo's they gave me! People are dumb. If they never talk to me, how do they expect me to talk to them. If they just tried to initiate a conversation I'd be more than happy to talk to them. Why is it that usually only guys are stupid like that? When John was saying how I never talk, Joey and Sarah were like - what's he talking about, she talks a lot. I don't know, whatever.
Well school kinda sucks. Although I am making more friends I guess. I hope Dan doesn't like me. He was SO hinting today! Aye! It's fun to hang out w/ him though. This weekend was fun. I like hangin' out with Eric. .. Mike! Ahhhh! I talked to him this morning. He walked me to Naval Science. Alexis says he went out w/ some girl over the summer. Then Selina + Alexis said that he keeps asking if I still like him. Ahhh! This is so stupid.
"When people take their freedom for granted, it is most in peril." -Juliana Theory